After that groundless whirlwind of a year and a half of covid, I knew the universe, the gods, and the ancestors were leading me home. I was in need of the support, safety, and comfort of my family and our family home. My intentions for my time home were to ground myself in the physical and cultural landscape of home, restore my health and spirituality, cultivate our soils and my creativity, strengthen my relationship with our language and loved ones, and surrender to the divine design of life. I knew in the depths of my being that this was a need. It wasn’t as easy to leave Hawaiʻi, as I was essentially leaving behind (for 6 months only) my kāne, my immediate goals, and the life that I have built for six years. I was also leaving my hānai/poksai mother of Hawaiʻi to whom I came a girl. She sent me to my biological mother, a grown woman.
The humidity was an endless embrace. The sunshine didn’t burn my skin. The still waters calmed the waves of my being. I was home. I was safe. I wasn’t alone.
The first couple months were blissful, magical, and everything I needed it to be. It was a long breath of catching up and settling in. Once I found rhythm in proactively pursuing my intentions, all aspects of my health began to heal. I felt my ancestors everywhere I went, hiked to new places with my primu, immersed myself in the wonders of Litekyan, and began to shift my perspective on the life that I left behind—because I literally had a new vantage point. Everything was so peaceful coming from the busy life I had in Oʻahu, then at some point, my eyesight became clearer.
In ʻōlelo Hawaiʻi, ʻike is the word for sight, to see. It is also the word for knowledge and understanding. Whenever I would remember home, it was always blissful and easygoing with an abundance of food and time; this is what I thought I was coming home to. I forgot that perspective was from a younger, dependent version of myself with a lot less life experience than I have now. With all the new ʻike I gained through college and my career, I started to see things in my homelands that I never saw before, and it hurt. It was hardest for me to see and acknowledge was the change happening to the land, the lifestyles of my loved ones, and the change within myself.
The land was not changing, the land was being changed.
Down south, there were so many new housing developments. Up north, hundreds of acres of land were taken to build Camp Blaz—the new marine corps. base—land that was once native forests, ancient villages, and ancestral remains. There’s an entire firing range complex right above Litekyan that is to open soon and keep us out of our ecological and material heritage. Houselessness has plagued our people. Our roads are congested and polluted with increased traffic. One would forget that we’re on an island until the ocean is visible.
Lifestyles are changing, not mainly because people want them to, but because they have to. I remember when families could afford to have family members stay home to tend to the house and care for the family, so childcare was a shared duty and privilege. I remember when time went by slowly and leisure was a part of life, now, everyone is hustling and working hard for eight days out of the week. Consequently, family time and health is sacrificed just to get by. The way that we spend time with one another has changed—by choice—because American influence and standards of living have crept into our ideals. Now we are pursuing those fast-paced, lavish lifestyles at the expense of our traditional lifestyles: part of what makes us Pasifika Peoples.
After six years of being away from home, to say I’ve changed is an understatement. I recently graduated with a degree in AgroEcology (farming according to ecological concepts), in which I learned a great deal about food systems: the origins of our food, the processes in which food is grown, and the amount of resources expended to get it from farm to table. Similar to Hawaiʻi, Guåhan produces between 10-15% of all the food consumed; that means 85-90% of the food is imported from thousands of miles away. I’m sure everyone feels the effects when a ship doesn’t arrive and the shelves are empty, but food insecurity is only the beginning of the problem. Pasifika peoples have the highest rates of heart disease, cancers, and diabetes per-capita in the world due to our non-native, processed food diets. Although the land is fertile and we have an eternal growing season, American culture teaches us to want their foods, and to chase a life of convenience and luxury. It’s so much easier to maintain a yard that’s just grass instead of tending to a lancho. It’s so much easier to buy salmon then to go diving and spearfish tåtaga; mostly because our reefs are overfished.
During my last month back home, I went on a hike with my uncle to Tanguisson and Hila’an in the north. This was very symbolic because this was the first ancient place I visited after living in Hawaiʻi for a whole year. At that time, ancestors guided me to their village, gifted me their knowing, and granted me such a beautiful memory. This time, before entering i halom tano, I offered my chants, said my prayers, and stated my intentions.
Ilek-hu, “mañaina-hu, nå’i yu i matan-miyu.” I asked them to give me their eyes.
As we walked, they showed me old shells, native plants, and swarms of ababang (butterflies), but I wasn’t prepared for what they were to show me next. Invasive species plagued the jungles and make it so gåddon (tangled and dense), I could hardly find my way through. People are illegally poaching baby hima (giant clams) before they had a chance to reproduce, and left their shells on the make-shift barbecue grills. The nearshores are polluted with hånom tåki (sewage water), and there are no more fish in the once abundant reef. The jungles are littered with beer and spam cans because people are squatting and trashing the place. Land is being cleared and ancestral remains destroyed/displaced for another tourist attraction. I could feel the ancestors’ pain, and their tears spilled from my eyes. The eyes that they gave me.
I began to spiral into depression yet again; every place was so heavy with grief, none of the store-bought food could nourish my spirit, and all the issues our island was facing seemed hopeless. I felt like we were losing our island and our ways of life. It became clear that the source of my depression and hopelessness was that I couldn’t do anything to help with these issues because my life was in Hawaiʻi: my kāne and I have a home and land that we intend to turn into a homestead and I had a degree to finish. I knew that my journey in Hawaiʻi was not over yet, so what could I possibly do to change the dystopian reality of my homeland?
I was depressed until the day before I left home, but after spending the day at Litekyan with my family, my cousin gave me advice that I will carry with me forever. He told me that our grandparents did everything out of love and not out of fear. After two years of brokenness and depression, darkness, heaviness, anxiety, and fear, his words made everything clear in a single moment. Every decision I made while living in Hawaiʻi for the past six years was based on fear: I worked four jobs seven days a week because I was afraid I couldn’t afford rent or tuition; I did things for people because I was afraid they wouldn’t love or value me without it; I pursued farming as a career because I was afraid of the impending collapse of the global food system. I was always afraid of what I couldn’t control, when I could’ve loved and trusted in the universe that everything—that I—will be okay. It was time to live in love and not in fear.
I left all my ancestors’ pain behind. I know they wanted me to feel it, for someone to express it for them, but I know now that they did not want me to carry it. No one is strong enough to carry what they have endured. For a long time, I let the pain and injustices motivate me to create a better tomorrow, but that path has always and will always lead to getting burnt out. Now, I let their love strengthen me, and their resilience help me understand that if we survived wars, disease, and displacement, we will survive this military bullshit I mean buildup, climate change, and colonialism, and come out still being inherently and intrinsically Chamoru.
Si Yu’us ma’ase pot i tinaitai-miyu
Mahalo no ka heluhelu
Thank you for reading alllll the way to the end